So I’m pretty bummed out after the disastrous match tonight. Thought I’d post something funny – this is the moment you realise my sense of humour kind of sucks. Here is a random bunch of Twitter messages from the past week that made me laugh.. or at least chuckle.
1. When your last meeting/appointment with a client just before the weekend’s about to kick in, gets cancelled. (Awesome! The weekend starts a whole hour early.)
2. Entering your home after a hard day’s work to be greeted by an enthusiastic and overly affectionate pet.
3. When your iPod magically predicts your mood and plays your favourite song (when it’s on shuffle mode).
4. When a dress you’ve secretly been coveting gets it’s price slashed.
5. Re-discovering your favourite band.
6. Successfully separating the yolk from the white.
7. Reading old journal entries, laughing and thinking, “I can’t believe I actually wrote that!”
8. Making an accurate medical diagnosis solely based on your Grey’s Anatomy watching experience (hehe!).
9. Watching your favourite childhood TV shows (TMNT & Duck Tales specifically).
10. Unexpectedly winning a round at Tekken just by pushing some random buttons on the controller.
11. Getting a strike (in bowling).
12. When the shampoo & conditioner get over simultaneously.
13. When your favourite football club wins the Champions League.
14. Watching your favourite band perform live.
15. Driving around with my girlfriends, listening to our favourite songs and singing at the top of our lungs.
16. When you wake up with awesome hair.
17. Hearing someone speak with a Glaswegian accent.
18. When you drink water and it’s at the perfect temperature… soothingly cool.
19. When you wake up in the morning just to realise it’s the weekend.
20. Laughing about silly stuff with your folks.
Dating isn’t a breeze. We all know that… Girls, you know what I’m talking about. First you find a guy (and there seems to be a serious dearth of guys lately), then you date and then after five or six months, you slowly start getting ‘serious’ (considering at this point of time you still can tolerate each other) and then before you know it, someone gets cold feet and bam! it’s over. Just like that! And you’re back to square one…
Nope. Dating just isn’t easy.
Wouldn’t it be much better if we could foresee the route that a ‘potential’ date might take? Well, I’ve found a pretty handy (more or less, depending on how much time you have on your hands) way of ‘filtering’ out guys. The key is stereotyping the fuck outta them. Yep! You heard me right. Certain stereotypes apply to ALL desi guys. Once you’ve picked up on the traits, construct a suitable dating regression curve and tada! you know when exactly things will start going downhill.
And even if you’re not into regression curves and all that jazz, generally stereotyping people is always fun! Here are some examples to kick things off…
The Artistically Vain
He is the one who looks down upon anything mainstream. The desi version of the East Village hipster, he watches Satyajit Ray/Fellini films, reads translated works of Pablo Neruda and listens to only Rabindra sangeet. But every once in a while – if you’re super observant – you can hear him imperceptibly hum along to the latest item number on Radio Mirchi (if you point it out though, he’ll completely deny it).
The Mind-numbing Bore
This guy can talk his way into a comatose – yours! He drives a Merc while listening to Imran Khan’s Amplifier on full-volume and peppers all his sentences with liberal doses of benchod. Having a conversation with him is impossible for he only partakes in verbose soliloquies. He’ll buy you flowers and call you jaan or – eeks! – his hunny-bunny.
The Wannabe Metal-head
Metallicaaaaaaaaaaa! (Because you know, they invented the genre.) This guy attends every metal fest in his staple insert-name-of-band black tee and maybe found headbanging to Megadeath at the local pub every weekend. He’ll judge you based on your musical preferences because, you know, he’s SO metal! Ways to piss him off? Say shit like, “How can you listen to this? It’s just noise!” or “You can’t even make out what they are singing!” or even better, “Don’t you listen to Sonu Nigam?”
He’s perhaps the quietest and mellowest guy on this list. He’s the one you friendzoned 30 seconds into your first conversation. Now he just listens to the Eagles and hopes that someday you’ll realise what an all-out good guy he is. If you’re already dating this guy, then beware: he secretly balks at your habit of making ready-to-eat rasam rice and mentally compares your puliyogare to his moms – Every. Single. Time.
This is just a mini-preview of the different ways you can stereotype Indian guys. Then there are the overly enthusiastic football fans, the WoW geeks, the psytrance beach bums, the sexist snobs… the list goes on and on. Your best bet is to make your own framework for classification and then jump right into the horror pool that is the desi dating scene.
Over the years, my various best friends and I have spent many (inebriated) nights discussing ‘deep’ stuff… existentialism, Mayan history, men (haha), Functional dichotomy of neutral and acidic sphingomyelinases in tumour necrosis factor signalling – OK, I just kind of threw the last one in to see if you were really paying attention ;) (If you’re more interested in reading that though, it’s available on Science Direct: Cell, Volume 78, Issue 6, 23 September 1994, Pages 1005-1015)
Anyway, moving on… although we tend to discuss the ‘serious’ topics mostly when we are more-than-just-a-little tipsy, there have been plenty of times when we’ve just talked about silly stuff and spent hours laughing/giggling over apparently nothing. But my favourite moments from these (seemingly) inconsequential conversations are the times when people come up with quirky theories … some of them funny, some ridiculously random… but all worthy of a blog post!
So here goes:
Survival of the fittest: The real reason why babies are so cute
Now most people find babies cute, right? My friend Ping came up with an excellent theory as to why. Her theory’s simple: if babies were ugly no one would clean their poop. Genius! Babies can’t talk. Puke & poop at every possible opportunity. Cry. And are a gigantic drain on your finances. Why would anyone in their right mind even want one?!? Because they’re effing cute, that’s why! Clever little snots. If you think N Korea is planning world domination, you’re wrong. It’s them babies.
Faghag’s way outta marriage (sorta)
This one’s a gem (thanks S!). If you’re a woman in her 20s, chances are everyone’s been talking about getting you married. Not ready for commitment? Don’t want to be tied down to one guy for the rest of your life? Marry your best guy friend – you know, the one who’s gay! He doesn’t have to come out to his (ever so judgemental) family. You don’t have to ‘settle’ for some random, boring investment banker your parents pick out for you. Win-win. You’re welcome.
Quest for a ‘Soul Mate’
On a slightly more serious note: How often have we talked about soul mates and finding “The One”? Too many times to count. According to my close friend V, instead of looking for a best friend, a lover, someone on the same intellectual level, someone you can talk to anytime, someone to share your troubles, etc. in ONE single person, we can have them [the qualities] in two or three people. So instead of finding one person who checks of all the boxes on your perfect-guy list, find someone who checks the really important ones. This works smashingly if both the guy and girl give each other enough time to build friendships outside the relationship.
I could give you a few more… but let’s not make the first post too long, eh?